Sorceress' Knight
by lilykane
Summary: OMG! THIS HAS SEIFER AND SQUALL AND ZELL IN IT! LOLWTFBBQ! R&R, kthxbye!
1. The First Chapter (named that because it...

_~Disclaimer: Okay, this is a crossover between.....a lot of Square games. I don't own any of the characters, I never will, and I'm too poor to be sued for not owning them. Sue me, and you'll get my shoes. Anyone offended by this story hurts my feelings. Also, this story has hella SPOILERS for Final Fantasies 7-9, Xenogears, Vagrant Story, and Chrono Cross. _

_P.S., No matter what they say, pork is not a white meat.~ _

**Sorceress' Knight **

Chapter One: The First Chapter 

Yes, you would think that defeating Ultimecia would end that whole "evil sorceress" thing, wouldn't you? Of course it didn't, because of time travel and great big plot holes created by the writers and even bigger plot holes that I myself will create just so I'll have an excuse to write this magically delicious saga of love, war, pie, dragons, guns, guns, big guns, s-words, and medieval fetish wear. Yes, medieval fetish wear is the greatest thing ever made by man. Don't you EVER forget that. 

Anyway, let us begin. It was a dark and stormy night at Balamb Garden. Okay, I lied, it was bright and sunny, and the birds were singing la la la. Today would mark the two-week anniversary of Squall Leonhart's return from being dead. Of course, Squall could had gave a shit less about that, being alive again and all, but when a guy decides to date Rinoa Heartilly, basically that meant that every little event had at least four different anniversaries that had to be celebrated each year. This was no exception. 

Squall sat at his dorm room desk, which Rinoa had decorated to look like a dinner table, complete with candlelight. That meant that she was cooking dinner. Which meant that he would either be constipated for the next three days, or he would had food poisoning later that night. Either way, he was dreading this event horribly, and found himself wishing that he was dead again. Or better yet, he wished that he had took up one of the many offers Quistis had made of her body over the several years that he had known her. But no, here he was, taking his Pepsid AC. 

He glanced over at his beloved PS7, which he longed to play his vintage Tekken 3 and some Final Fantasy 7. Squall liked the ending of disk one of the latter. Something about that chick getting ran through with a big honking sword made it all that much more dear to him. Of course, it was also known fact in Balamb that everything that happened in FF7 was historical fact. It was in the history books of how Sephiroth Hojo was the first truely documented and researched sorcerer 150 years ago and how EVIL he was, despite the 15 years of humanitarian work he did in the military, not the mention the three orphanages he built. With his bare hands. AFTER he went insane. And of course, like any other true story, a video game had to be made of it. Just like _Dragon: the Bruce Lee Story_. Squall secretly admired Mr. Sephiroth, thus why he wore all black leather, said next to nothing, and carried the closest thing to a big honking sword that he could find these days: a big honking gunblade. But we all knew that already. 

"Squa~lly-Poo!~" Rinoa sang from the little kitchen area; Squall could smell burnt...something. "Dinner's almost rea~dy!" 

"I wish I was still dead," he mumbled toward Rinoa. 

"What? Speak up, dar~ling! I can't hear you!" 

"Pie mixes well with bread, doesn't it?" 

"Sure does, Honey-Bunches-of -Oats!" 

Squall cringed at that name. It was bad enough that she had a million embarassing pets names for him already, but the cereal name was too much. Damn General Mills and their horrid names! He slumped over and listened to Rinoa's pot banging and off-key singing of "Eyes on Me". He really wished that she'd learn a different song. 

*****

  
In Esthar, Laguna Lore sat in his big spacious office at his desk, surfing the Internet and reading Gundam Wing fanfics. Yes, that's what the Estharian people were paying that man to do everyday. He chuckled loudly at a fic about WuFei in a dress, because any fic that had WuFei in it was funny. I mean, who the hell writes about WuFei? Anyway, as he sat doing his daily duties, Kiros ran into the room. He had also opened the door before running in. 

"Laguna!" the robed man shouted in a panic; the other man quickly closed the window on his computer that had the fics in them, revealing another window that read "How to be a Good President". 

"Dammit, Kiros, I told you knock before entering!" Laguna yelped. 

"Sorry, man, but we have trouble! Looks like Ultimecia's up to no good again!" Laguna sat up and stared at his old friend in shock. 

"What?! I thought Squall killed her two weeks ago in a fit rage and passion over the love of his life, Rinoa, and the pain and suffering that had been caused to all of those dear to him!" 

Kiros shrugged, "Yeah, well, Ultimecia went to the future and saw her death, so she's figured out how to counter that!"

"How?" 

"Uh, by not possessing Edea or Rinoa. She's gone further back into the past and even into the future to find other sorceresses!" 

Laguna scratched his head at that explanation. Though he wasn't the smartest man in the world, he had enough common sense to know that it was plain odd that Kiros knew all that. I mean, think about it. How would anyone know what Ultimecia had foreseen her death? It's not like Ellone was there to- -Nevermind, I'm confusing myself. 

"Kiros, to the Lagunamobile! We must talk with the experts to figure out a way to stop this." 

"Lagunamobile?...." 

"Nevermind, let's consult Doctor Odine and figure out how the heck we're suppose to counter her this time." 

"Oh, yes," Kiros sighed with relief. Laguna joined the other man's side and they exited the room. Of course, they closed the door when they left. However, Laguna left the computer on. But that's beside the point. 

*****

  
Seifer Almasy sat in his little mobile home watching television. Ever since that stupid Rinoa had unleashed Adel from her space prison, everyone one on the planet had been getting free cable. It was swell. The best part was, they were getting channels from the space colonies, too. 500+ channels for free! Woo hoo! Seifer was watching his new favorite channel, CNN23-5. It was all news. He never got to watch the news as a kid, because at the orphanage, they always had to watch what Zell and Selphie wanted, since they were the ones with Attention Deficit Disorder and would go in violent fits of rage. So, it was always Sesame Street and the Bear Show. To this day, Seifer still hasn't figured out what the Bear Show was about, considering there were no bears on that show. Also, after he was adopted, his parents didn't believe in the media (i.e., they were cheap bastards), thus they had no tv. So he had to spend his days making macrame vests and learning the ancient art of flower arranging; in effect, his little mobile home was beautifully decorated and smelled like fresh flowers everyday. And to add on to that, when he started going to Balamb garden, Fuujin would only let him watch Oprah and Escaflowne, making Seifer one of the few people that knew where all her rage came from. 

So, now that he finally had his own place, he could watch the news in peace. And Martha Steward too. He loved that show. Continuing on, he was watching the news. And yes, this is an important part of the plot. 

The ex-Balamb student leaned toward his little television, watching and listening intently to the big annoucement that the new President of Galbania, some weird guy with a Southern accent, was making. 

". . .My fellow Galbanians, let it be known that we shall venture into space once again! The program that had been started several years ago by my late predescessor, Mr. President, is almost ready to begin. Project Noah was the code name, but it's really just a big spaceship. A really big spaceship. And we're gonna call it the S.S. Eldridge, after my dog, Eldridge. . ." 

Seifer shrugged and leaned back into his couch. It was a waste of taxpayers' money, no doubt, but that's okay. He lived in Balamb, not Galbania. So, no big loss to him. Suddenly, he heard a voice in his head. 

_"Seifer, my knight! I need you once again!" _

"Aw, poop!" Seifer spat, "It's you again, Mistress Ultimecia! Whaddya want?" 

_"I want you to go into the folds of time again, to find the right sorceress or sorcerer to combine with me! I must have vengence to what was done to me by the Lion Heart!" _

"Lion Heart? Oh, you mean Squall. Yeah, kinda sucked that he killed you, eh?" Seifer laughed and changed the channel; it was time for the Naked Chef, his hero. Then something dawned on him. "Wait, how are you talking to me if you're dead?" 

_"I'm not dead yet, you fool! Squall and his party killed a future version of me!" _

"Oh....." Seifer nodded in enlightenment. "So, uh, you're still planning on trying to become impotent or something?" 

_"IMPOTENT?! I shall become omnipotent, you fool!" _

"Whatever. Anyway, not gonna do it. I'm on vacation." Seifer smiled as he watched all the girls on the screen molest the Naked Chef, imagining himself in that position. Being molested, not molesting, mind you. 

_"You must! I made you what you are!" _

"What? The world's most hated romantic teenager? Thanks." 

Ultimecia's voice sighed heavily in Seifer's head, then went silent. He could tell that she was still there, though. Kinda like those awkward pauses on the telephone and stuff. 

Suddenly, she spoke again in a sweet voice, _"How about I fix that little problem? I can get you all the women you want!" _

Seifer's head lifted up, "Really? How?" 

_"By changing which sorceresses I use to obtain my goal, it changes history! Already, I have made it so I've never attempted to even possess Adel, Edea, or that Granola." _

"Granola? Oh, Rinoa..." Seifer shrugged, "And?" 

_"YOU'RE NOT HATED ANYMORE!!!! IN FACT, YOU'RE CURRENTLY STILL ENROLLED AT BALAMB GARDEN!!!!"_ He could hear the evil sorceress huffing and puffing in his head. The she recomposed herself. "I mean, you still have a chance to fulfill your dream, my knight." 

"Yeah, but your're EVIL. I want to be a good sorceress' knight, like for Matron or Sephiroth." 

_"SEPHIROTH WAS NOT GOOD!!!! HE WAS A FREAKING LUNATIC!!!!-- I mean, fine, my dear, I can arrange that too." _

Seifer smiled to himself, "In that case, will do." He could feel Ultimecia sigh with relief and smile as well. 

*****

  
Squall poked at his dinner with his fork. It was very crispy and black on the outside, but whenever he punctured it, some type of green liquid would ooze out of it. He cringed then caught himself and smiled nervously over at Rinoa. She smiled back at him and waved cutely, though she was just across the table, er desk. 

"Go on, try it! It's your favorite!" she chirped, clasping her hands together in glee. 

Squall poked it again, "It is?" He felt tears of sadness fill his eyes. How could this be chicken and wild rice? 

From across the table, Rinoa gave him puppy-dog eyes, "Please, just taste it, sweetie?" 

He nodded stiffly and picked up a knife to cut the thing on his plate with. As he cut it, green ooze bled out from the thing; Squall swore that he could hear it screaming out in pain as he sawed away. Then the phone rang. 

"I'LL GET IT!!" Squall yelped as he shot up. He didn't give the phone enough time to ring a second time. "Hello?!" 

"Hey, Squall, it's your father." 

"Ah, damn. I thought it was someone else." Squall sighed angrily and stuck out his bottom lip, something he learned from Selphie (don't ask). 

Laguna laughed, "Wowwie, Squall! You sure are funny! I dunno where you get it from... I mean, I was never that funny..." 

In the background, Rinoa pouted and whined, "Squa~lly! What's tak~ing so long?" 

Squall glanced back at his girlfriend, then at his dinner and cringed. He whispered into the phone, "This is for a SeeD mission, right?" 

The older man sighed, "Well, yeah...but I dunno if you're up for it, I mean, getting killed the last time and all...And then having to gather up the other SeeD members you worked with--" 

"--WE'RE SO ON OUR WAY!!" With that, Squall slammed down the phone and sped toward the door, only stopping to grab his jacket and gunblade. Then he shot out the door. 

Rinoa stood there in her own little world, staring at the door her boyfriend had left through. Exactly two minutes later, Squall marched back in, grabbed Rinoa by the arm, then dragged her outside to the car.


	2. Somebody's Gonna Get Hurt....And It's no...

Chapter 2: Somebody's Gonna Get Hurt...and It's not Me 

You guys are lucky. I almost named this chapter "Let's Do the Timewarp Again". You can send me flowers and expensive wine later. 

Quistis Trepe sat in front of her computer checking her email. All she had was spam mail ads for Viagra, which for a moment, she seriously contemplating ordering and making jewelry out of the little pills. Don't ask, because I don't know either. Anyway, she sat there, then the door flew open. Then Squall walked in; he was by himself, because Rinoa refused to get out of the car. She was still upset about Squall not eating his dinner and then stopping at Taco Bell on the way to Balamb Garden. Oh, I forgot the mention Taco Bell last chapter.... Well, you know now. Squall marched up to his former comrade's desk and leaned over it. 

"Yes?" Quistis asked, not taking her eyes of off the screen; a little dancing gif of a dead cow flashed and played a midi of "Desperado". 

Squall smiled, "I missed you. I needed to see you again." Quistis lifted up her head slowly, her eyes wide from disbelief, but with a bit a joy. Squall laughed, "Just kidding! I knew that'd get your attention!" The blonde growled and went back to her computer; this time, she logged out of her email account and started a game of Tetris. 

"Okay, you had your fun? What do you want?" 

"We just got another SeeD mission." 

"Whoopee, lemme guess," Quistis sighed, "She foresaw her own death and decided to counter that by possessing different sorceresses than Matron, Rinoa, or Adel. Right? Kinda predictable." 

Squall blinked, "Uh, I dunno. Laguna didn't say." 

Quistis shook her had and stood up, "I'm assuming Rinoa's already in the car?" Squall nodded and watched as she strolled out of the room. 

*****

  
MEANWHILE, Zell Dimicht felt like punching some ass for a hotdog. Why he gets violent like that for a meat by-product is beyond my understanding. And why people think it's cute, is even more a mystery. I just wanted to mention that. Because it's Zell and his unhealthy obsession with hot dogs that is so cute. Eeyeah.... It's adorable. Nor does it have any homosexual implications. Not at all. 

Same with punching ass. That's not homosexual in any manner whatsoever. 

*****

  
"Hey, glad you guys all made it!" Laguna cried as he greeted the SeeDs. They were all still the same: Zell still had bad taste in clothes, Selphie wore a cute dress but ugly boots, Irvine still had a gun, Squall was.....Still Squall, Rinoa was still unlikable, and Quistis was still much smarter than the others were. Then again, it had only been two weeks. Had they change any at all during that time, it would had been tragic. 

"So, what's the prob?" Zell asked, cracking his knuckles. Selphie lifted a brow at Zell and shook her head, then Irvine attempted to cling to her, but she moved out of the way, not noticing the faux cowboy falling flat on his face. Then Squall stepped on him on purpose, pretending not to see him. And so did Quistis. 

Irvine sniffled and sat up. It was always like that for him, the most under appreciated guy in SeeD who could take out most of the enemies when he was at his limit break better than the whole lot of them combined. Not to mention, he was the one always reviving the losers when they were knocked out in battle. The jerks. He then laid back down. The view up Selphie's skirt was breathtaking. At that moment, Dr. Odine skipped into the room. 

"O, it iz dee Seeeeeeeeeeeeeedz!" he sang. He then giggled at Squall, wiggled his nose, and then clicked his heels three times in the air. 

"Okay..." Squall mumbled. "Let's just get this over with in time for Survivor XVII: the Arctic Tundra edition." Laguna nodded and smiled, glad to see that his son was gaining enthusiasm. Well, not really. Squall just wanted to get away from Odine. But you would too, trust me. 

Laguna nodded again, "Well, like I said, Ultimecia's trying again to become the world's most powerful sorceress. But this time, she's taking a different route. We have a few ideas who she might target, but it's again all up to you!" 

The audience appaulded. 

At that point, the sliding doors to Odine's lab opened, and Ellone meekly walked in. 

Squall lifted a brow, "What's Sis's doing here?--WAIT!!! NO!!! NO MORE TIME TRAVEL!!!!!!!!!!" He lounged toward Laguna and began throttling him violently, Laguna laughing the entire time. 

"So....full....of....energy...." the Estharian president managed between beatings from his son. It took four men to pry Squall off of Laguna, and Zell and Irvine weren't amoung those four men. 

It took a few minutes, but the room began to settle down. Squall sat in a chair, pouting and fuming over the prospect of time traveling again. Rinoa kept trying to give him a massage, but he kept replying, "You're doing it wrong, let Quistis do it." However, the blonde wouldn't go near him out of spite. 

"Hey......." Selphie began, "wouldn't be easier if we just killed Rinoa right now to stop Ultimiecia. Then we wouldn't have to time travel." Her face lit up as she realized her brilliance, "BOOYAKA!!!" 

The room went silent at that suggestion. The awkward silence caused Zell to want to punch some ass for a hot dog. Sensing the tattooed boy's edginess, Irvine began to slowly inch away from him. Selphie beamed. Squall silently commended Selphie for her logic, but refrained from mentioning that out loud, as did Quistis. Rinoa stood wide eyed in fear. 

Rinoa let out a nervous laugh, "You guys really wouldn't kill me would you?" Everyone in the room halfheartedly agreed they wouldn't. 

Ellone finally spoke up, "I'm sorry, Squall, but this is the only way! This time, we have to stop her!" Squall rolled his eyes, now where had he heard THAT one before? 

*****

"RETARD," Fuujin promptly told Seifer after he had told her and Raijin of Ultimecia's plans. He nodded in agreement. They were sitting in the tiny living room of Seifer's mobile home, dining on fine cheeses and sausages. Oh, and booze! 

"Yeah, she is really retarded." 

"No, YOU. RETARD." 

Seifer sniffed, feeling tears forming, but he fought them off. Raijin sat in front of Seifer's television, enthralled by the Bear Show. 

"This show, you know, is genius, you know!" he gasped in awe. Seifer shrieked when he realized what Raijin was watching and promptly grabbed the remote. The channel flipped over to the Tom Green Appreciation channel, which consisted of nothing but people rubbing their bums in others' faces. 

"Anyway," Seifer sighed, "We won't have to worry about kidnapping Rinoa again." 

Raijin's face lit up, "That's good! She bit me, you know. Twice!" 

Fuujin nodded in agreement, "INSANE." 

Seifer chuckled then continued, "However, we're going to have to do time travel." 

"HOW? NO ELLONE." 

"Yeah, you know, we don't have that girl, you know with the powers?" 

Seifer smiled, "Ah, Ultimecia took care of that problem by providing us with our own little version of Ellone." He gestured at the bedroom door, "Serge?" 

At that moment, Serge appeared. 

"......" he greeted. He sat down next to Fuujin, who nodded approvingly at the bluehaired boy. 

"So, you know, where'd you find him?" Raijin asked, noting that the boy was dressed the way that Zell should had been dressed if he was going to wear shorts, dammit! 

"......" Serge answered. 

"FUTURE?" Fuujin affirmed. Serge nodded and laid back onto the couch that he, Fuujin, and Seifer were sharing. Seifer stood up and dramatically began rubbing his hands together. 

"Heh, heh! Now, I'll will become Sephiroth's knight!" He threw back his head in laughter. 

"......" said Serge. 

"I agree with Serge, you know, " Raijin shrugged, "Becoming a sorcerer's knight sounds kinda....homosexual, you know." 

"GAY," Fuujin agreed. 

Seifer busted into tears and ran out the room. 

*****

  
It was time, and the SeeD mercs stood in the lab. It had been decided that they would split up into different times. Some would go 2000 years into the past, 150 years in the past, 500 years into the future, 1000 years into the future, then 10, 000 years into the future. How Dr. Odine had come with those numbers, it was anyone's guess. Quistis thought she'd ask, just to be safe. 

"Dr. Odine," she began as she watched Odine strap the time-space distortion enhancer on Ellone's head, "Uh, how exactly did you come up with these time periods?" 

"O, dat is eeeeeeeeeeeazy!" he sang. "I flipz zee coin!" 

"That's it! I'm leaving!" Squall spat. 

"Then, you'll eat my dinner, snookums?" Rinoa asked starry eyed. Squall cringed and laughed nervously. 

"Sure, darling, as soon as we stop Ultimecia," he lied. 

"Okay~!" Irvine turned green at the thought of ever eating Rinoa's cooking again, and leaned over toward Squall. 

"Dude, if you ever need a place to hide..." 

Squall whispered back, "Thanks, man." 

Dr. Odine finished adjusting the headgear that Ellone was wearing. Then he clapped his hands together and began spinning in circles. Selphie suddenly got excited and began spinning too, until she passed out. 

At that point, Odine announced, "It iz time to go and stop deez witch! Tra-la-la-la!!" He threw the switch, and there went everyone. 

*****

  
Quistis felt herself accelerating toward the ground; she squeezed her eyes shut, mumbled a prayer under her breath, then braced herself to hit the ground as the darkness swallowed her up. This was nothing like the last time, obviously. No pretty sunsets and going through the ocean and stuff. Just plain darkness. 

Suddenly, she stopped falling. Quistis opened one eye, then both as she realized that she was laying on a rather uncomfortable bed in a rather uncomfortable position. She shifted herself and sat up slowly. Several large candles lighted the room and everything was made of wood. Not a single metal or plastic thing in there. She leaned back on the mattress of the bed, then realized that it was filled with straw of all things. She cringed. This was going to be lovely. 

She sat up as she heard voices. 

". . .I DID NOT!" a British male voice screamed, his voice cracking on the "not"; to Quistis it sounded like he couldn't had been any older than twenty. 

Another voice replied, "You did so!" This time, it was a deeper, huskier voice, more Scottish sounding than Brit. Quistis began to panic as she hear the bickering and footsteps come closer to the room. 

"Let's forget it for now. I grow weary of this nonsense." 

"You ALWAYS say that when you're wrong!" The deeper voice went into a falsetto, " 'Oh, John, I can't STAND when you're right, let's just call it a night--" 

"--Stop that--" 

"--The heavens forbid it that I be wrong! Oh, no! Not me! Not--" There was a loud metallic clank at that point, and then a even louder yelp from the older man. 

The door to the room opened. 

Quistis held her breath and stand rigidly as the door opened. She then smiled and waved at the two men standing in the doorway: Sydney Losstarot and John Hardin. Hardin had his hand up to his face, holding his bleeding nose, while Sydney had a look that would kill any elder woman in an instant, but changed into surprised as he saw Quistis. Hardin smiled weakly and waved back at the woman with his free hand. 

"What in the hell?" Sydney mumbled, he then turned to Hardin, "Did you order a another whore?" The older man shook his head. 

"You know I have no money!" 

"No, I meant for......sacrificing reasons." Quistis's eyes widened, and she jumped up running, trying to make a break to the door. But Sydney and Hardin pretty much still blocked the way. 

"Now, now, deary," Hardin sighed, "You must tell us where you be from, and why the ridiculous shade of rouge for ye robes." Sydney chuckled and gestured back at the bed. 

"We were joshing with you! We mean no harm....though, I am bit curious as to why you're in our room....." 

"So am I," Quistis mumbled. 

*****

  
Selphie woke up on a beach; the last thing she remembered was spinning around with Dr. Odine. But now, she was alone on a beach. Not that that was a bad thing, considering that it was nice and mild, and the beach was prettier than Balamb's by far. Suddenly, she was hit in the head with a rock. A big rock 

The last thing she remember hearing was before passing again, "Oi, that's not Serge...." 

*****

  
Vivi was picking flowers. Wait, that's not right. Aerith Gainborough was picking flowers. There we go! Aerith was picking flowers in the church . Oddly, the church groundskeeper never kicked her out of there, so she could get as many flowers as she wanted. She sighed happily and turned to her companion, Cloud Strife. 

"It's a shame that Tifa didn't want to go flower picking with us," she mused as she picked another daffodil. "I wonder why...." 

Cloud shrugged, though he had a pretty good idea why, and it involved stabbing a Aerith voodoo doll and burning pink dresses. 

"Well," he began carefully, "she was never into girly stuff--" He looked up as he heard screaming from above. Aerith looked up too. 

At that point, Rinoa fell through the roof and right on the plot of flowers that Aerith had been hacking at.

"AH! YOU KILLED THEM!" the flower girl screamed and she began swatting at the dazed Rinoa. Cloud lifted a brow and watched the two for moment, thinking to himself, As if picking the flowers were any better than smashing them.... After awhile, he heard more screaming from above. A few moments later, Irvine fell on top of Aerith. 

Cloud busted out laughing. 

*****

  
Zell had landed in a big ship, because he's lucky and likes hot dogs. There, he saw the most beautiful woman. She had the bluest eyes, and long silver hair. She was wearing a most revealing, teasing outfit and purple eyeshadow. She stood admiring her features in a mirror. He turned to a black mage sitting next to him, eating a ham sandwich. 

"Say," Zell began, "who is that fine creature over there?" He gestured toward the woman, drool dribbling down his chin. 

"There?" Mage #958 replied. "Oh, that's Kuja." The mage took another bite of his sandwich. He offered some to Zell, and when the blonde didn't notice, the black mage shrugged and continued eating. 

"Ah.....Kuja......what a lovely name...." Zell stood up and made his way toward the silverhaired psycho. 

*****

  
Like everyone else, Squall noticed that he got separated from the other SeeD members during the whole warpy process. Whoopie! Anyway, he fell down, then he would fly up, then fall again, then fly, then sometimes he would just hover in the air, staring at birds that flew past him. Sometimes he'd kick a crane as he fell/flew passed them. It seemed that Ellone was losing her touch already, but Squall just shrugged as that thought came to him. Like he usually does when he thinks. Suddenly, the scenery around him went black. Squall still felt himself falling, then flying, and such. He grimaced at the thought of what was going to happen next and closed his eyes, taking a big breath. He reopened them to find that he falling toward sand. Lots of sand. In fact, it was a desert (SURPRISE!). He hit the ground hard then, and rolled down a dune until he hit some type of animal. Squall laid there on the ground, face down for a few seconds, then immediately popped up grasping for air as he realized that he was breathing sand there for a bit. In front of him, a camel looking thing stared at him, along with a cloaked man, who screamed, "Aaklah r'thyd ntorkah!" and pointed at him. Then a bunch of men with guns appeared out of nowhere and seized poor Squall. 

*****

  
"This is some kind of mistake!" Squall yelled from the cell that he was in; by now, he had been transported to some kind of huge ship. And no one spoke English, not even the two guards that sat there laughing at him. He sighed heavily, and kicked the wall. And he hurt his foot doing that. 

"Ghaf'khan efke Poop-poop!" one of the guards laughed really hard and proceeded to clean his gun. From a far, Squall could see his gunblade resting against a wall. If only he could get to it... He frowned. This would happen. He WOULD get caught in a foreign country with these weird soldiers that looked straight out of Star Wars, because his life was like that. 

He then heard a door slide open. The two guards suddenly straightened up and saluted toward the door. Squall could not see for the life of him who or what those goofs were gesturing at until he saw Kahran Ramsus and Miang Hawwa come into view. 

Ramsus commanded in a low voice toward the guards, "T'rsok en wsek." The guards nodded and ran off toward the exit. The pale man glanced over to were the men had left. 

"Look," Squall began, "I don't understand what language you're speaking, and I doubt you understand me. But you have me here by mistake." The older man raised a brow at Squall, then exchanged amused looks with the woman. Squall rolled his eyes and turned around. "Forget it." 

"If you say so," the commander chuckled Squall whipped back around in disbelief. 

"You...you speak English!" His eyes teared up and got really large and doey, then he smiled and ray of light came down from the heavens. The older man smiled again. 

"I can also understand you, if it helps," Miang added. Squall nodded happily and giggled like a little school girl. 

"Then you know that I didn't do anything!" 

Miang nodded, "Of course. But you are a fine specimen for the Gebler military, and that whole 'flying from the sky" bit has us.....intrigued, to say the least. We must keep you for a while, but soon you will be one of the greatest soldiers ever--" 

"--Uh, Miang, I think you told him too much," the older man sighed. 

"Oh, forgive me, Commander," she bowed. 

"Anyway," Ramsus began, "we'll get you cleaned up and moved into a bunker so you can start training." 

Squall lifted a brow, "Training?" 

"Yeah, you know this is the military, right?" Ramsus chuckled. Squall nodded enthusiastically; anything to get out of jail.


	3. The Gods Must be Crazy--Part I

Chapter 3: The Gods Must be Crazy--Part I

It seemed as if our heroes were in great peril. Okay, just Zell, but we'll get to him later. We'll start with Quistis and her newfound friends, the psycho medieval priest guys. 

They got to know each other very well after chatting wildly for several hours over drinks, which Hardin seemed to love a little too much. Quistis began to worry when he drank three bottles of wine all on his own. But she relaxed when she saw that Sydney wasn't alarmed. Then she remembered that he was drunk, too. She then became frightened again, but amused at the same time. It wasn't very often that a woman got to see two drunken gay priests. However, men see that all the time, though. Especially men that happen to be other drunken gay priests.

". . .So, we have this GREAT plan," Hardin slurred. "We're going to take over the country!"

Sydney butted in, "No, THE WORLD!" The two of them fell out laughing. Sydney turned back to Hardin, "I love you, brother..."

"GET WAY FROM ME, YOU NO ARMED FREAK!!" Hardin screamed as he jumped up and pointed at the other priest. Sydney sniffed at that outburst and started crying on Quistis's shoulder. She rolled her eyes and shoved him off; the other blond fell to the ground.

"She...hates me too," he sobbed as he curled up into a ball. "Everyone hates me! My papa left me to drown in a wicker basket when I was just a wee babe! And now this!"

Hardin rolled his eyes, "That was Moses, you twit."

"Oh, yes," Sydney sat up and wiped his tears with his metal arms. "I knew that. Really, I did."

"Uh huh," Quistis sighed. "This plan...this wouldn't happen to involve a sorceress or anything, would it?"

"Well, Sydney here is the GREATEST mind-reader in all the countryside," Hardin said proudly, "but I don't know what that has to do with sorcery, me lady." Sydney, on the other hand stared at Quistis in disbelief. He stood up silently, then sat on the bed next to her.

"John?" he asked, keeping his eyes on the woman.

"Yes, brother?"

"Could you leave the two of us alone for a bit?"

Hardin scratched his head, "Why, I thought ye only fancied men, Syd--"

"--WILL YOU JUST LEAVE FOR A MOMENT?!" 

Hardin obeyed and hurried out the door. 

When he was sure that the other man was a safe distance away, Sydney turned his attention back to Quistis, "You mentioned a sorceress? There would be none in this world, but sorcerers instead." She nodded, surprised that he was actually coherent and serious after all that drinking.

"Then, you know why I'm here," Quistis smiled.

"Of course, I foresaw it, my dear," he sat up a bit, "I would be one of the people you're looking for. There is a second--"

"--Of course, there's always two sorceresses, er um sorcerers at a time," she beamed. This was a lot easier than she thought it was going to be.

"Well, yes, you want to know where the second one is, or am I mistaken?" Sydney arched a brow and crossed his metal arms. Quistis leaned in closer to the other blonde.

"Then, you know where he is?"

"Not at the moment." She let and angry sigh and threw up her hands in the air. Sydney snickered. "Let me finish, deary," he laughed.

"I thought you were all knowing, or something."

"No, I see only what the Dark allows me to see. I don't know where your other sorcerer is _right now_, but I can tell where you can run into him in the very near future."

"Really?" Quistis retorted rather coolly, also crossing her arms.

"Yes, and all you have to do is help with the little 'coup d'tat' that's supposed to happen.

"Supposed to?"

"It won't happen; I won't allow it to, but you didn't hear me say that." He smirked. Quistis rolled her eyes again. Was it by nature that all people blessed with the gift sorcery had to be annoying? 

"Well," Sydney began again, "are you game?"

"I don't have much of a choice, do I?" She sighed and offered her hand for Sydney to shake. He kissed it instead. 

She rolled her eyes.

*****

"So, you guys want me to go to this abandoned city with you guys after you kidnap some kid?" Quistis repeated, her eyebrow raised at Sydney. 

"Yes, that is all that we ask," Sydney shrugged. "I have a feeling that Hardin might need a bit of help--"

"--I DO NOT!!" Hardin objected.

"You do so!" Sydney replied; the blonde mage rolled his eyes and turned his attention back to Quistis. "Well, since John believes that he doesn't need any help--" he threw Hardin glare, "--You can work with me. You seemed built like a competent fighter. Although, I doubt you're versed in using the magicks..."

Quistis smirked and performed Firaga in front of the three.

Both men stood flabbergasted for a long while as the flames died down. The blonde SeeD placed a hand on her hip and lifted a brow in victory.

"Well then," Sydney finally managed to say, "I think you'll be fine. You're definitely going with me." Hardin turned and nudged the other cultist hard and glared at him. Sydney grinned and gave his comrade a "Whatever" look worthy of Squall. 

Hardin rolled eyes, "Fine, I'll meet you two at the cathedral. And Sydney, for the love of St. Iocus, please do not spend several hours messing with soldiers' minds, it takes too long, and one day... One day, you going to run into a blade that knows how to mess with your head!"

"I won't," Sydney lied.

*****

The day ended up being a lot more eventful than Quistis hoped, with having to actually kill people and all, instead of them magically disappearing into thin air after being hitting 20+ times. Then trying to get Duke Bardorba's manor was just lovely. She followed closely behind Sydney most of the time, covering him from attacks. She usually took out people before they even had a chance to attack, and found that like Sydney, she had to rely heavily on magic, though many of the men just stared at her healthy sized chest, so she could just whip them into submission. A few times, she scared the crap out of everyone by summoning Ifrit or Siren. Of course, when she had summoned them back in Balamb, that scared the crap out of everyone there too. Then Sydney scared the crap out of her by summoning D'TOK!!! (yes, that's how it's spelled, damn you!), the world's most loveable wyvern. Finally, the two blondes made it to the manor safely. 

"So, this is it?" Quistis whispered as the two of them crept in through the back. Sydney turned back and nodded at her. He moved ahead to a corner and peeked around, then gestured at the SeeD to join his side.

The place was empty.

"Is the guy even here?" Quistis sighed angrily.

"Yes, he should be soon." Sydney sighed. "This is almost too easy." They moved around the corner into the huge dining hall of the manor. 

"Is there _anyone_ here?"

"I don't believe so."

"So, then... Why are we whispering?"

"I don't know...habit?" Quistis rolled her eyes again as she watched Sydney wander around the dining room. He stopped at a door and gestured at the girl again. "The great hall, that's where we need to be, so we can leave through the front entrance."

"Oh, that's smart, going through the front door."

"Hey! We'll be fine, I promise!" 

She sighed and joined Sydney, and the entered the great hall. It was empty, like the dining hall. Again, Sydney wandered around, as if he was searching for something; Quistis leaned against a wall and crossed her arms, watching the buttcaped cult leader.

Then Ashley Riot barged into the room, bowgun in hand.

"Alright, Losstarot! It's over! I've a bowgun aimed at your heart!"

"I knew you were going to say that," Sydney smirked as he lifted his arms up, because he really did know that.

"Whatever," Ashley shrugged, "I don't care, I'm getting paid to bring you in anyway. Now, turn 'round slowly." The riskbreaker shifted his aim a bit, then glanced over at Quistis, noticing her for the first time. She looked up and locked eyes with him. And at this point, it gets really mushy and disturbing. 

"T--Tia?!" he choked, dropping his gun to the marble floor; when it hit, it shot off an arrow that nearly hit Sydney in the nads. The mage shrieked in horror and covered his privates with his metal hands.

Quistis pulled away from the wall, her eyes still on Ashley, "No, I'm not." She walked cautiously toward him, for some reason not afraid of him, probably because he wasn't armed anymore. She stopped a foot short of him.

_Oh my god, he's hot!_, she thought to herself, still managing to keep a cool exterior, and crossed her arms. Ashley stepped back from her a bit, looking her up and down.

"Then...you must be a sorceress, for your beauty is bewitching," he gasped. She had to work hard to keep from running and jumping in his arms.

Alarmed, Sydney straightened up, "Um, excuse me? You were going to kill me? Proceed?"

Ashley stepped closer to Quistis, and grabbed her waist, "Then...tell me your name," he murmured.

"It's Quistis," she whispered, running her hands up his chest. "Quistis Trepe."

"Hello?!" Sydney called, waving his hand in between the two, not getting a response. He pulled back and rolled his eyes. "Oh good lord, this isn't happening..."

"That's... a beautiful name. I'm Ashley Riot." 

"Do the two of you REALIZE how unrealistic love at first sight is?!" Sydney screamed; he was ignored, of course, as Ashley and Quistis leaned closer into each other.

Then DOOM! Okay, not really, but there was a bright flash of light. And no, it wasn't fireworks.

*****

Selphie woke, her head throbbing in an inn bedroom. She sat up and looked around, only to see and hear Norris and Kid arguing.

"Nice job, you're lucky you didn't kill her!" Norris yelled, throwing up his arms.

"Ey, how was I supposed to know! She came through the portal, she did!" Kid turned away and crossed her arms. "Besides, mate, we still 'ave to find Serge." Norris sighed heavily, then noticed that Selphie was peering at the two of them. 

"Hey," he greeted as he sat down next to her, "glad to see you're okay." Selphie nodded and began to say something, until Nikki entered the room.

"I'VE GOT NACHOS!!!" the musician announced, pointing to a huge paper bag he was carrying. 

"How much'd it cost?" Kid asked, a bit disappointed at the fact they were having nachos again.

"Some copper, a scale, two capsules, and a blow job! Not bad, huh?" He sat next to Norris. "Dude, ever since Serge ran off with all our cash and the only means for get us back to our home world, it's been kinda...hard."

"Yeah, luckily, you and Glenn are so pretty that I can pimp you two off. I mean..." Norris let out a nervous laugh. "Yeah, it's been hard." The soldier sighed and turned his attention back to Selphie. 

"So," he began again, "What's your name?"

"Selphie Tilmitt."

"What a stupid name!" Nikki sang, clasping his hands together in glee. "Welcome to our little posse!" Selphie blinked, not registering that he had called her name dumb. Kid rolled her eyes, and stood up, turning her back to the four others.

"If you ask for me opinion," she mumbled while crossing her arms, "We 'ave too many people in this 'little' posse. And we don't need be adding more til we find Serge."

Norris lifted a brow, "Well, you hit in her in the head, what were we supposed to do? Leave her on the beach?" Nikki chuckled and hi-fived Norris. At that time, Glenn barged into the room.

"I'VE GOT NACHOS!" he bellowed.

*****

Seifer and crew teleported to Midgar, thanks to Serge and his coolie abilities. Okay, it was actually more thanks to that amulet that Kid had given him, but whatever. The four of them wandered around the city, not sure what to look for. 

"BORED," Fuujin yawned as she followed Seifer around; Raijin and Serge both nodded wearily at the silverhaired woman and then glanced at Seifer. Seifer turned around to face Fuujin.

"Look," he began, "We have to find Sephiroth, so that Mistress Ultimecia can merge with him or something. Then I can be his knight!" He threw back his head and let out a dramatic laugh.

"......" Serge chuckled.

"Yeah, that's still really homoerotic, you know?" Raijin agreed, hi-fiving the bluehaired boy. Seifer sniffed once, and turned back ahead. 

They walked out of section 5 of Midgar and passed section 6 on to 7. Not that they wouldn't had got there eventually, since the city's round and all. 

"......!" Serge exclaimed as Tifa's Seventh Heaven came into view.

"TAVERN!!!!" Raijin screamed, and he began running. 

Fuujin blinked.

Seifer ran after his comrade, "Hey, wait! We have to find Sephiroth first! Beer later! Beer later! Wait, what am I saying!? WAIT UP!!! I WANT SOME BOOZE TOO!!!" 

He finally caught up to Raijin, who was standing quietly outside the tarvern door. Serge and Fuujin choose to take their time getting there, but still weren't too far behind Seifer since he runs like a girl. 

Seifer scratched his head, "Dude, why aren't you going in?--"

"--Shhhh!" Raijin shooshed him, then went back to watching the tavern door. Then Seifer heard it:

"No, no, no! A thousand times no, I said!" Tifa screamed. "We don't need anymore people staying here, especially this girl!"

"What about the guy?" Cloud asked quietly.

"He can stay! Since he came through the door before SHE did!"

"That's not fair!" Aerith and Rinoa both whined. 

Irvine beamed.

"Irvine, DO something!" Rinoa cried, grabbing onto his coat.

"You're on your own, sweetheart," the cowboy laughed maliciously. Yes, he was still angry about her biting and scratching him back in Galbania. In fact, his arms still had the scars. That was more than enough reason to force Rinoa to be on her own and have to sell her body to get food.

"I'll....I'll tell Squall!"

"Squall ain't here! BWAHAHAHAHA!!!!!"

Cloud chuckled, "Yeah, ain't no Squalls here, whoever the hell he is!"

Tifa growled, "That's right! This Squall person isn't here, and you'd BEST be finding him so that you can stay with _him_ instead! Now, OUT!" She pointed at the door.

Barrett came down the stairs, wearing a pink dress and a matching bonnet, "What's all this devilish noise?! Marlene and me are trying to have a tea party, damn it!"

"They won't let me stay!" Rinoa sobbed, running up to the huge man. "You'll let me stay, right?" She threw herself onto his feet. "Oh, please! Let me stay! I have nowhere else to go! And Aerith is soooooooooooo nice!"

"Please, Barrett!" Aerith sniffed, "Rinoa's so cool! She likes flowers like I do! Yellow flowers even!"

"This ain't my house, foo!" Barrett yelled back at Aerith. "But since she likes the flowers, what can I do? Tifa?"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" the barmaid screamed. She pointed at the door again. "Out, out, OUT!!!!!!"

"Hey, Tif," Cloud sighed, "Let's let her join our party. Granola can be the official 'Keep Yuffie from Stealing Our Stuff and Raping Vincent' person. You know, so we don't have to hear Cid complaining about what a '#$%*@ sucky job' it is?"

"It's Rinoa!" Aerith and Rinoa both sniffed.

Irvine then scratched his head, "What's a #$%*@?"

"You know, #$%*@," Cloud shrugged.

"Wouldn't it be easier just to say 'fucking'?"

"I wouldn't know, every time I try to say #$%*@, #$%*@ comes out."

"Oooooh," Irvine said, nodding his head in enlightenment. 

Tifa turned her back to the rest of the room and crossed her arms, "Okay, FINE. She can stay, but the moment this heifer screws up, she's gone."

"She called _me_ a heifer!?" Rinoa whispered at Aerith, noting Tifa's huge breasts that were hanging out her too small tanktop. Aerith giggled to herself at that comment.

Cloud sighed and shrugged, "Okay then, what about the guy?"

"I told you, he can stay! Besides, he has a gun, which is useful. Right, Barrett?"

"Sho'nuff," the black man agreed as he started back up the stairs.

Back outside the tavern, Seifer and company all were dumbfounded. 

"......?" asked Serge.

"We're not going in because we know two of the people in there," Seifer explained. "We go in there, then all of our plans will be ruined!"

"......" Serge shrugged.

"SAME," Fuujin sighed.

"Yeah, I really want a beer too, you know?" Raijin sniffed in agreement.

Seifer shook his head, "Beer later, like I said. We'll find Sephiroth first, then a _different_ bar to go to for a round of drinks? Capiche?" His three companions all nodded to agree sadly, and the four of them turned to leave. "I mean, how hard could it be?" Seifer added cheerfully as they walked away, "to find a sorcerer in a round city?"

_*****_

"Um, excuse me?" Zell began in his smoothest voice, "but I couldn't help but notice how...nice that outfit looks on you." Kuja stopped what he was doing, which was commanding black mages from his magical mirror of DOOM!, blinked, and began to turn around slowly.

"Excuse me?" the silverhaired man asked cautiously, "Are you speaking to _me_?" He glanced around the Hilda Garde to see if there were any other people around. He saw no one but mages, of course. Kuja then stared wide eyed at Zell, who was grinning like an idiot, trying to imitate Irvine's "getting the ladies" face, which in turn made Zell look like he had just had a frontal lobotomy. 

"So, _Kuja_, are you single?" Zell winked at the effeminate man.

"Yes, I am, and I intend to stay single at this point." Kuja lifted a brow, "May I ask, how the _HELL_ did you get on this ship?"

"I just...dropped on," Zell grinned, "My god, your voice is so sexy and deep!"

"It's not really all that deep--Hey, did you say you dropped on?" Kuja blinked again and moved a lock of hair from his face. "As in, from the sky?"

"Of course, where else?" Zell grabbed the other man by the waist and pulled him close. "But enough about me, I want to know about Iyou/I, my darling Kuja." He leaned in to try to kiss Kuja, who managed to break free from Zell's strong grip.

"Look, you pervert," Kuja growled, "I don't know who told you what, but I'm not into that kind of stuff!" He then decked Zell below the belt. Zell doubled over in ecstasy yet saddened at the same time.

"I should had known that you were a lesbian," he sniffed.

"A _what_?!" Kuja looked wided-eyed down at Zell. "I am NOT a lesbian--Wait, you thought that I was a wo...?" Kuja's face paled, then suddenly a wickedly brilliant idea came into his head.

He leaned over to help Zell, "I'm sorry, I'm just not used to this kind of attention," he purred. "Really, I'm not a lesbian."

"Really?"

"REALLY." Kuja grinned at the younger boy as they stood up, trying his best not to punch Zell in the face again. "So," he began again, gingerly fingering Zell's chest, "why don't we go into my quarters and discuss a few things. You're just the strong, handsome man I need for a certain job."

"Really?"

"YES REALLY." Kuja forced another grin and grabbed Zell's ass. _This is DISGUSTING!!!_, the silverhaired man thought to himself. Zell's eyes bulged out of his head as he felt Kuja's hand in a spot that no girl had even thought about touching on him. Because he's Zell and eats hotdogs.

"Duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuur…." Zell's jaw dropped.

"Follow me," Kuja purred into the other boy's ear as he lifted Zell's jaw back into place.

*****

". . .What? I don't get it," Zell blinked. He was sitting on the single, very large bed in Kuja's quarters on the ship. "You want me to kidnap your ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend for revenge?"

Kuja wiped the fake tears from his eyes and sniffed, "Well, yes, I want to teach Zidane a lesson for starting to date that...that whore! I don't care if Garnet's a princess, NOBODY dumps me for someone else!" He buried his face in his palms and ran over to Zell, sitting on the bed next to him. "So...will you do it?" He purposely placed Zell's hand on his exposed thigh. Kuja managed to hide that he was cringing and thoroughly sickened by the situation. Zell looked down at where his hand was now sitting and blinked. 

He then looked back up at Kuja, "I still dunno, it sounds kinda fishy..." Kuja pushed Zell on his back, and laid on top of the other boy.

"I thought you liked me," he whined in a playful voice, grinning his hands wandering onto various spots on Zell's body. 

"I, uh, do, just...you seem fixated on this Zidane guy, though." 

Kuja frowned and pulled away, "Fine, then don't. Get off my ship." He turned around and crossed his arms.

"Wait! I didn't mean it like that!" Zell sat up too. "If it means that much to you, I'll do it!" Kuja kept his arms crossed.

"I don't believe you. You're just like Zidane, that jerk."

"I'll do it, I swear!"

Kuja forced another grin and spun around and hugged the other boy, "Oh, Zelly, you're the best! When you bring Garnet here, I'll do something _extra_ special for you!" Zell grinned stupidly as Kuja licked the side of his face. "Now, you go now, and don't come back until you have Garnet, okay sweetie?"

Zell jump up and gave the SeeD salute to Kuja then ran out the door. The silverhaired boy looked at the door. As he heard the teleporter on the ship go off, he sighed with relief and ran into the bathroom to rinse out his mouth. At that moment, Mage #958 walked into the room.

"Kuja, sir?" the mage asked, "What should we do about the weird fellow that asked to use the teleporter?"

"Don't worry about him," Kuja replied as he emerged from the bathroom, mouthwash bottle still in hand. "He's going to get me my canary." His face softened as he thought of Garnet. 

"Oh, good, we were running out of mages."

"I know, and I'm working on it," the psycho sighed.

"Ham sandwich, sir?"

"Of course."

*****

Squall tugged at his new ecru and black uniform, hating it quite a bit. He had already gone through three days of training, and was getting the hang of things around the Jugend Academy, despite how completely psychotic most of the drill instructors were. Today, he was going to learn how to fly a gear, whatever the hell that was.

He was waiting in the hanger by himself, as he was told he was supposed to do. He hadn't seen Ramsus again at all, but pretty much saw Miang whenever he left his dorm to go to the training facilities, which he wasn't sure if that was a bad thing or a good thing. He shrugged as he thought about that and tripped a student younger than him as he ran by. The kid hit the ground and groaned, oblivious to the fact that it had been Squall to trip him. Then the poor kid stood back up and continued running. Then a voice spoke to him.

"Are you Private Leonhart?" Squall turned around to see Elly van Houten peering at him, hands behind her back. He straightened up and saluted her, then smiled slightly. 

"That would be me," he extended his hand. Yes, he's being friendly. FEAR.

"Great, I'm supposed to be training you today, I'm Lieutenant van Houten. Nice to meet you." She shook his hand. Squall grinned. 

"Cool, I'm kinda curious about these gears. I have no clue what they are."

"Seriously?!" Elly grinned, "You really not must be from around here! Colonel Hawwa said that you were from out of the country, but I didn't think that far away!" She grabbed his hand and led him through the hanger. "You'll love gears. They're easy to fly, easy to store, and fun! Combat aside (which, you didn't hear this from me, can be pretty fun too)."

"So, they're like planes?" Squall asked as they stopped in front of a closed hanger section.

"Not quite, they more personalized than airplanes and not as bulky." She pressed a button the wall next to the massive door. "And this one is yours." 

The heavy partitions lifted to reveal a black and silver gear, complete with a gunblade type weapon and Griever decals on the slick exterior. 

"Meet Azrael, your gear," Elly beamed. Squall's mouth parted slightly, and he turned to Elly. He managed to crack a full grin at the redhead.

"I think I'm gonna like it here," he smiled.

"You'd better, because it's impossible to leave," Elly smirked. 


	4. The Chapter with the Obscenely Long Name

Chapter 4: The Intermission Chapter in Which a Bunch of Characters That Haven't Been Introduced Show up Out of Nowhere

"What WAS that?" Quistis asked, by now she had jumped in Ashley's arms, claiming it was from fright of the bright flash of light that had happened. But let's be honest, if you had the chance to jump into Ashley Riot's arms, wouldn't you do it too? Anyway, Ashley shrugged, and Sydney glanced behind him. All three were dead silent at that point. Outside, it was just as still; the blond mage crept over to the window to see what happened, only to see that the fires that Hardin and the other cult members had started were dead now. Also, there were no signs of human life outside at all. Sydney turned his head back at his two companions and shook his head. Then they heard it:

"Doo doo doo doo dooth! Da doo doo doo doo dooth! Doo doo doo doo dooth! Dat doo dat doo dat doo!"

"I know that isn't someone singing," Ashley mumbled, rolling his eyes. He then gently set Quistis back on the ground. He noticed that Sydney was frowning and had an irritated look on his face.

"Gee," Sydney began cynically, also rolling his eyes, "You think ROSENCRANTZ is here?"

Suddenly, from behind a pillar, jumped Rosencrantz.

"Doo doo doo doo dooth! Da doo doo doo doo dooth!" he sang.

"What the hell are you singing?" Quistis sighed, rolling here eyes, like her two male cohorts were already doing. Rosencrantz grinned and posed triumphly.

"'Tis my theme song!" he announced. "Sydney recognized it!" His grin grew larger, which looked really gross with that lipring of his. "Wait, I haven't got to the best part: wah wah waaaaaaagh wee wah wah! Woo woo weeeeeeeee wah wee wee!--"

"--STOP!" the others cried. 

Rosencrantz frowned, "Fine, I will, you music hating fiends!" He crossed his arms and glanced over at Sydney, who was fuming by now, "By the way, Sydney, I thought ye were going out of the Graylands into Lea Monde--"

"--Not right now," Sydney shrugged. "Obviously, someone has set a trap outside."

"Oh, yes, obviously." Everyone turned and looked at Ashley.

"What?" the riskbreaker asked, wide eyed.

"Nevermind," Sydney sighed.

*****

"We can go on my dad's ship!" Nikki yelled randomly as he, Norris, Selphie, Kid, Glenn, and Leena (who just appeared out of nowhere) wandered around the streets of Termina. Selphie stayed close to Norris, mainly because Kid was giving her evil looks at every chance. However, little did Selphie know that Kid gave everyone evil looks. 

"Why are we going on your dad's ship?" Selphie asked. She glanced back at Kid, and the blonde thief glared back at her. The SeeD clinged to Norris' arm and whimpered. Norris didn't notice.

"Well," Nikki began, "The idea is that we're looking for our leader, Serge. I'd say use my ship, but Miki's pretty pissed at me for just having Leena and Kid (and Riddle and Luccia and Razzly) on, so one more gal would be pushing. My dad's cool, and his boat is bigger and faster than mine." Nikki beamed proudly. 

"I wonder where Serge could had went without us?" Leena sighed. She pushed Selphie off of Norris's arm and clung to it herself. Norris frowned.

"I can think of a few places..." he mumbled under his breath. "By the way, Nikki, won't we have to use your ship to get to your dad's anyway?"

Nikki shrugged, "Yeah?"

"So...why not just use yours for the entire time then?" Everyone gasped at the suggestion; it was a brilliant idea. In other words, there's a damned good reason why Norris was leading the group now: it's called "common sense".

"Oh, then nevermind."

Norris sighed and rolled his eyes. He then noticed that Leena was snuggling against his arm.

"Leena, just because I offered to lead you guys until Serge came back doesn't mean I'm your replacement sex toy." Leena glared up at Norris and dropped his arm.

"Fine, I just thought you were cute."

Norris rolled his eyes again, then marched ahead of the group. 

It wasn't long before they a reached the port where Nikki's ship was anchored. It was still decorated for that concert that Nikki was supposed to be giving, but was indefinitely postponed since apparently he had no other cities to go tour at. Nikki pranced ahead of Norris to lead everyone inside and around the ship.

Norris took that opportunity to talk to Selphie, who still was glancing behind at Kid, who still was glowering at her. 

"So, what made you decide to go to Opassa Beach?" he asked, slowing his walk down a bit. The others soon moved ahead of them, unaware that their surrogate leader was lagging behind them, aside from Kid who lingered on in the back, listening.

"I didn't really choose to go there," the SeeD merc sighed. "I just woke up, and there I was. I know why I'm here though... I think."

"You think?" Norris chuckled and smiled at the younger girl.

"Well, I'm supposed to be looking for a sorceress," she shrugged.

"What?" Norris lifted a brow. "Um, a what?"

"You know, a witch. Wears black and does evil magic and stuff." 

"Eeyeah..." Norris managed to grin. "I think the closest thing like that we have here is Sir Lynx. But he's hardly a witch, I'd say." He paused and scratched his cheek. "Is it really important that you find this sorceress?" Selphie sniffled once and nodded. 

"The world might go blow up or something if I don't find her," she buried her face in her hands. "I'm so lost. This is worse than when my puppy ran off, and I couldn't find her. I suck more than Rinoa!" She began sobbing. Norris put an arm around Selphie.

"There there," he cooed, "Whoever or whatever it is you're looking for, we'll find it." He sighed and added softly, "I have a feeling that your mission has something to do with Serge." 

Selphie sniffed again and rubbed her eyes; there was snot running from her nose, "Why is that?"

"The timing was too perfect," he smiled faintly. "We find Serge, we'll find your sorceress. I can almost guarantee that."

"Then...should we look for that Lynx guy?"

"Uh, no. We're going to stay far far away from Lynx until we get Serge back..."

Meanwhile, Kid smiled deviously and rubbed her hands together, "No Lynx, eh?" she chuckled lowly to herself. Nikki was right, one too many gals. But she had a way to deal with that.

*****

Two hours laters, Seifer and his cohorts were still wandering around Midgar. By now, they were back in Section 5, and Fuujin finally convinced (actually more like threatened) Seifer to go to a bar there. The foursome sat and conversed over drinks, after managing to scrape together some money from Serge and Fuujin singing on the streetcorners. Seifer was slumped back in the little booth that they were relaxing at, obviously quite disheartened.

"I can't believe it," he mumbled, staring down his half empty mug of beer.

"......" Serge chuckled as he took of sip of his own beer.

"Yeah," Raijin agreed, "you know, you shouldn't had downed that so fast. Then you'd still have some, you know?"

"Not that, you idiot," Seifer mumbled. "This whole town! This HAS to be the place that Sephiroth resides! But we haven't found shit!" He hung his head down lower, "I guess this is why I'm not a SeeD..."

"I thought you're weren't SeeD because you couldn't follow orders, you know." Seifer looked up and glared at Raijin. Serge and Fuujin snickered at each other. 

Serge then butted in again, "......"

Seifer turned his head toward the bluehaired boy, "Yeah, that could be a problem still... With Rinoa and Irvine in this city, that's going to make things harder."

At that moment, all of the Turks walked in. Tseng greeted the bartender, since they were regulars there, then scanned the bar. He noticed that the booth behind Seifer and crew was empty and gestured toward that area. One by one, each Turk slid into the booth.

Reno was the first to speak, "Excuse my French, but Rufus is a #$%*@ idiot. Having us going after Sephiroth. No #$%*@ way, man. No #$%*@ way." 

Seifer jerked his head around and raised a brow. He then turned back to his companions and put a finger to his lips. The others nodded and like Seifer, listened intently to the conversation about to start.

"Don't speak about the President that way," Tseng snickered.

"President, my ass," Reno sneered. "I hate that little shit. He should be THANKING Sephiroth for killing his daddy."

Rude shrugged, "I'm not thanking Sephiroth, that's for sure. I'm with the rest of you, Rufus doesn't know what he's doing. And he's gonna get all of us killed."

"No kidding, Rude," Tseng sighed. He then gestured toward bartenter, indicating that they were ready for drinks. "The usual!"

"Wait, is Sephiroth the bad guy or Rufus?" Elena asked, she blinked once. Reno stared at her in disbelief.

"I know she just didn't ask--"

"--Lay off, Reno," Tseng warned, "El's new, she doesn't know the deal yet." He then took of his suit jacket and slug it over the back of the booth seat that he and Elena were sharing. "Besides, it's kinda confusing. Technically, we shouldn't have to do anything for Rufus. His father was our boss, not him."

"Yeah, well, Hojo's still working for that brat," Rude shrugged.

"Hojo also has a hump in his back and hair growing out of that bigass mole on his chin."

"Meaning?"

"He's desperate, we're not. In fact..." Tseng cracked a sly grin, "If we play our cards right, we can rake in big with taking care of Sephinut."

Elena sniffed once, "But there's no way we can take him on... We already tried that once." The three men around her sighed and nodded in agreement.

"For once, the broad has a point," Reno mumbled, wrinkling up his nose. 

Seifer grinned and called over, "Or maybe you just need a different approach." 

Tseng gave his companions an odd look, then turned and peered over the top of the booth to where Seifer and his group sat. 

"Excuse me?" Tseng asked, lifting a brow.

"Hi there!" Seifer greeted, "Couldn't help but overhear you talking about Sephiroth." He gave a little wave back to Tseng.

"And what's it to you?!" Reno called back. Tseng turned back to give Reno a warning look. He then turned his attention back to Seifer.

"A different approach, huh? How, the guy's invincible."

"Do you think you could track him down and at least trap him? Because I know a way to keep him under control." Tseng blinked. This was almost too good to be true. Well, of course we all know that it is, since this is Seifer Almasy we're talking about. But humor me. Please.

"Well, yeah, I'd just have to talk to Hojo about setting a few traps."

"Great! Then we'll work together!"

"......!" Serge objected.

"Yeah, what that guy said!" Reno agreed, "We don't know you, you don't know us, and how do we know you're not part of that Avalanche group?"

"I don't even know what Avalanche is, thank you," Seifer snorted back. "Besides, weren't you the one bitching about how difficult a job it was going to be? I'm offering my services as a knight to help out." Fuujin, Raijin, and Serge all rolled their eyes at that last line.

"You're a real knight?!" Elena gasped as she stood up and turned around to to get a look at Seifer. She grinned like a teenaged fangirl when she saw him, her eyes growing soft and doe-like. 

"You even look like a knight," she sighed dreamily at him. Tseng lifted a brow and turned his head at Elena. He then shook his head. Fuujin pretended that she was going to shove her middle finger down her throat and made gagging noises at Raijin and Serge. The two snickered.

Seifer smiled at Elena, then back at Tseng, "So is it a deal?"

Tseng sighed and scratched the back of his head, "I guess so, as long as you follow through, though. No backing out."

Seifer's grin grew, "Will do."

*****

Sydney waved his arms to cast Eureka one last time to make sure that the manor was clear of traps outside. His companions were each scattered about the great hall, looking out windows and checking again for any signs of life outside. 

"Still quiet," Ashley informed as he turned back around to the blonde mage. Rosencrantz and Quistis both did the same and nodded. 

"The traps are cleared, I believe," Sydney sighed stepping back from the doorway that he had been standing in. "Those bastards, whoever they were."

"Order of the Crimson Blades, Sydney," Rosencrantz added.

"Oh," Sydney mumbled, "Of course _you_ would know who did it." He then turned toward Quistis, "Well, we now have a little problem, since there's now a fourth party involved."

Quistis frowned, "What are you talking about?"

"We have to flee here immediately."

"But what about my sorcerer?!" she cried, marching toward Sydney. "We just can't just leave here! He still has to show up--"

"--Or would you rather us be killed?" Sydney lifted a brow, his usual smirk was gone and replaced with concern. "There's always later. Trust me, if we stay here much longer, we'll be ambushed by a horde of fools. And dying by the hands of fools is no fun and rather embarrassing."

"Ah, even in his moments of breaking promises, Sydney Losstarot speaks like a true profit!" Rosencrantz mused. Sydney frowned at that comment, and Ashley shrugged, like a true guy that doesn't give a shit would do.

Quistis balled her hands up into fists at her sides, "I have to find that other sorcerer though, or I'm stuck here!"

"But what were you planning on doing when you did find him, deary?" She blinked, taken back at that question. It was true, she hadn't a clue what she was supposed to do after she found her other sorcerer. _Great, thank you Squall and Dr. Odine for not having a real plan. Assholes._

"Are we going to leave or not?" Ashley sighed, crossing his arms, "I kinda have a partner that I left behind, and I should probably go check to see if she's still alive or something."

"You left your partner...Oh, right. Riskbreaker," Rosencrantz mumbled.

"Then....let's go," Quistis sighed, nearly in tears. Sydney managed a small, pained smile and gestured at his three companions to join him at the door. He stepped aside and let each one out before him. Quistis was the last before Sydney to go, as she didn't want Ashley to see her crying. She looked down as she started to walk past the priest.

"Quistis, he was already here," he said softly as she went by. She stopped and turned her head back.

"Wha--"

"--I'll explain later in private, but you have your other sorcerer. I promise you that. Now, catch up with the others. We have to find this other person the riskbreaker speaks of before the Blades do, then go into Lea Monde to safety." She nodded once then hurried out the door. 

*****

Yuffie Kisaragi crept down stairs after all the commotion had died down. She figured it had something to do with her "borrowing" Aerith's wallet to go the Golden Saucer to bet on the chocobo races. However, she saw that Irvine was the only person still down stairs. She promptly grabbed the nearest blunt object, which was Marlene's rag doll and crept behind Irvine. She then lifted the doll in the air, preparing to hit him with it.

"Whatever you're planning on doing, stop it," Irvine sighed as he saw Yuffie's shadow, turning around. He then noticed the rag doll and arched a brow. "You're kidding, right?"

"You're going to steal our stuff, aren't you?!" she yelled, slamming the doll down on Irvine's head. All it did was knock his hat off. The cowboy looked at his black Stetson that was at his feet now then back up at Yuffie.

He narrowed his eyes, "If I was going to steal your crap, why would I just be sitting on the couch?" 

"Well, then, how'd you get in?" she asked aiming the doll at Irvine's head again.

"Cloud invited me over. You're either Yuffie or Cid, right?"

"CID?!!!!" Yuffie dropped the doll, fuming over the fact that Irvine called her Cid. As if on cue, Cid Highwind appeared.

"Somebody called my @#$damn name while I was napping?" he growled. He then noticed Yuffie. "Oh, nevermind."

"He called me Cid!" she shrieked, and began swatting at Irvine. He put up his hands to protect himself. "I should tell Vincent! He'll kick your ass so hard that you won't be able to sit for a week!"

"And why," Irvine started as he began swatting her back, "would Vincent care about what I said?"

"Good point," Cid snickered, "because he won't give a shit." He trotted down the stairs and toward the irate Yuffie. The pilot then proceeded to pull her off of Irvine, who sighed with relief. "By the way, where the hell is everyone?"

Irvine shrugged, "Um, Tifa went for a walk. She wasn't in a good mood. Aerith and Rinoa dragged Cloud out to see some play. 'Loveless', I think. Then Barrett is upstairs with Marlene."

"Damn, they went to see 'Loveless' without me?" Cid sniffed; he was still holding on to Yuffie, who was pouting by now. "Why didn't you go?"

"I can't stand Rinoa or Aerith, that's why."

Cid chuckled, "Don't know who Rinoa is, but Aerith is annoying. Dumb bitch has her head in the clouds constantly. So, I sympathize with you there." He let go of the ninja girl and jumped over the backside of the couch to sit next to Irvine. Yuffie squeaked then sat on the floor next to the couch.

The three were silent for the longest time.

Cid was the first one to break the silence, "So, what brings you here?" 

Irvine didn't answer right away, as he tried to think of a good answer. Finally, he shrugged a bit, "I think I'm here mainly to take care of Rinoa's stupid ass until we meet back up with her boyfriend...Oh, and I'm think I'm supposed to be looking for Sephiroth and another sor--person with similar 'gifts'."

"Sephiroth, eh? You know, he's on everyone's hit list in this house." Irvine shrugged again and leaned back in the couch. 

"Eh, figures. Besides, I don't even know what I'm supposed to do when I find the guy," the cowboy added, chuckling. "They just kinda sent us out here, no plan whatsoever."

"Sounds like us. We're supposed to be tracking down Sephiroth, and we don't have a #$%*@ clue at all."

"Hrm, I guess then it's probably a good thing we found you guys then. At least we're looking for the same thing." Yuffie sighed and stood up, bored with the conversation.

"Blah blah blah, Sephiroth this, Sephiroth that. If I was just sent out on my own, I'd be partying real hard!" 

Irvine smirked, "I would be too, but I have a pretty good idea what's going to happen if I don't do my job." He sighed and leaned over to pick up his hat. He dusted it off a bit and put it back on his head. "Besides, I can't wait to get out of here."

"Me either," Yuffie sighed. "Everyone's so uptight here. Borrow a little bit a of money, they go berserk--"

"--Maybe if you #$%*@ asked first and actually paid people back," Cid mumbled under his breath. Yuffie nudged him hard.

"I'll tell Vincent."

"He'll just agree." Which was true.

*****

Meanwhile, Sephiroth was lying in bed with his favorite stuffed animal, a rabbit named Mr. Bunny-Bun, in an inn in Nibelhiem. His head was hurting, not to mention he was very upset. Today, he had tried to give money to some homeless people in Midgar, but they all screamed and ran away. He just couldn't understand why people always screamed when they saw him. They didn't used to do that.

"Maybe it's my looks. I might have acne," he said to Mr. Bunny-Bun. He sat up and swung his feet over his bed and trotted over to the bathroom, rabbit still in hand. He looked in the mirror. Nope, his complexion was flawless, as usual. He flashed a brilliant smile at himself then looked down at Mr. Bunny-Bun, "No pimples. Maybe it's the hair?"

No answer.

"Oh, you say it's fine, Mr. Bunny-Bun?" Sephiroth giggled. "You're the coolest!" He smiled again and skipped back to his bed and sat down. 

"Say, wasn't it nice of the hotel manager to give us this room for free?" the ex-Soldier sighed. "I hope it wasn't because he was scared of my sword." He glanced over at the huge katana sword that sat in the corner with his baggage. "Or me saying that I was going to cut off his #$%*@ head. I would never cut off anyone's head. Right, Mr. Bunny-Bun?"

Silence.

"Hee hee! You're so nice! Thank you for saying I'm a good boy! I'd never hurt people, because I'm special, like Mommy said!" He hugged his bunny and stretched out on the bed to finish his conversation with Mr. Bunny-Bun.

*****

Squall was laid out on his bed when he heard knocking on his dorm room door. 

"Come in," he called, sitting up. He smiled a bit as the door slid open to reveal Elly, who smiled and waved at the SeeD.

"What a nice surprise," he grinned as she stepped in; the door closed behind her.

She placed her hands on her abdomen, "Just wanted to congratulate you on how well you're doing in your training." She smiled again.

"Thanks," he moved over and gestured for her to sit down next to him. "I'm enjoying myself here. It's a lot more organized than the last academy I was at."

"You've done this before?" she gasped as she sat next to Squall. 

He nodded, "Yeah, aside from the gears, all the training and stuff, I've done before." He stood up and stretched, rubbing the back of his neck. Elly blinked once and stretched out, taking up the rest of the bed.

"So, why are you here?" Elly asked resting her chin on her palms. Squall turned and smiled at the redhead. He then sat down in the seat at his desk, turned the chair so he could face her.

"Well, I'm here because..." His voice trailed off. What the hell WAS he there for? Elly raised a brow in anticipation. He sighed, "You know, I just remembered, I need to take those vitamins that Colonel Hawwa gave me." 

"Ew, you have to take those too?" The redhead made a face. "I tend to black out from those things."

"Happened a couple of times to me too," he shrugged. "But why I'm here... Um, I can't really think of that. I know that I'm supposed to be looking for someone, but who has slipped my mind."

"Understandable," Elly giggled as she turned over on her back. "Can I ask something else?" She shifted to lying on her stomach. "That scar on your face..." She moved again and sat up to face Squall. 

"Oh...that." He smiled faintly. "I got it being stupid in training. I was training with this guy, um..." His face darkened, and he frowned. "I can't remember his name, and it's on the tip of my tongue..." He sighed and shrugged, "I guess it doesn't matter. He got me right between the eyes."

"Ugh, sounds painful."

"A little, can't remember all that much since all I did was hit him back then passed out," Squall chuckled. Elly smiled again and stood up. "Leaving already?"

"Yeah, my roommate's really bizarre and freaks if I don't go check in sometime after class," she explained as she stretched. Then Elly headed toward the door.

Squall gave a little wave, "Hey, later then." He watched Elly as she went to the door. Then she paused, her back to him.

"Something wrong?" Squall asked.

"Screw going home!" She turned and jumped in his lap, kissing him at the same time. Of course, it took him by surprise, but he relaxed and kissed her back. He then pulled away to look at her face, his hands wandering all over on her body. She stroked his cheek and kissed him again, this time more passionately. Squall shifted a bit to better fondle Elly and unzip her uniform.

And the entire time that they went at it, Squall couldn't help but think that he should had been feeling guilty, despite how much he was enjoying himself (and Elly). But for the life of him, he couldn't remember why. 

*****

Zell was sat in a seedy bar in Limbergh. He was lucky, it was hard to find tasteless places like that in Limbergh. However, he was also lost. After teleporting from the Hilda Garde, he realized that he didn't know exactly HOW he was supposed to get to Garnet, since she was a princess. Then there was the whole looking for his two sorceresses. He couldn't do both. So, what to do? Oh, then there was the whole not knowing his way around Limbergh thing.

_Do what's important first!_, he thought to himself. Then Kuja popped into his head. Those soft thighs, pouty lips, sexy voice... He sighed. So naturally, he chose sex over his job, and began trying to figure out how to get into the palace to get Garnet. He downed another beer, happy that he was of legal age here. 

"Um, sir," the bartender began, "do you plan on paying for those drinks at all?" Zell looked up and blinked.

"Oh, yeah, sorry," the blonde SeeD replied as he began digging through his pockets. "You take gil, right?"

"Of course." Zell pulled out a 500 gil bill and placed in on the table. The bartender stared at it. "What the hell is that?"

"I'm going to need change."

"That's not gil! Are you trying to rip me off, you little bastard?!" Zell looked down at the bill. It had a picture of President Deling on the front, meaning that it was authentic.

"It's 500 gil." 

"That is not 500 gil!" the bartender screamed as he leaped over the bar countertop. Zell jumped back, knocking over the stool he had been sitting on. The older man grabbed a beer bottle and smashed it over the back of a chair, creating a makeshift weapon. He slashed at Zell, who ducked and weaved easily from the frantic attacks.

"Dude, I paid you!" Zell pleaded, trying to reason with the angry server. "I don't understand why you're all up into my grill!" The bartender threw the broken bottle at Zell, who moved to the side, missing getting hit by a mile. The disgruntled man then picked up a chair, and attempted to hit the younger man in the head with it. But Zell jumped back onto a table, interrupting a game of poker that Zidane and Freya were having. 

"Little thief!" the bartender cried, as he knocked over the table; Zell jumped off just in time.

"The fuck?!" Zidane cried as his beer and winnings were showered up into the air. He stood up, and decked the bartender, "Lenny, CALM DOWN. He said he paid you!" Freya stood up too, but more to sneak out of the bar to avoid being associated with Zidane. 

By this time, Zell was very frightened and wanted to leave. But he still wanted his change. A 500 gil bill that Zidane had won (more like cheated to get) flutter down onto the SeeD merc's head. Thinking it was a bee, Zell jumped then paused when he saw the little piece of paper flutter down in front of him. On the front of if was a picture of King Cid. Zell's eye twitched, then he looked up to see Zidane and bartender going at it. He glanced around, noticing that other people in the bar were chanting and cheering for the semian-tailed man. Again, he looked around and saw Freya sneaking out of the exit. He cautiously crept over there, then slipped out the door himself.


	5. Meanwhile...(oooooo....isn't that suspen...

Chapter 5: Meanwhile...

And the plot moved forward. Yay.

Yes, Quistis now had a new member in her group, Rosencrantz, that creepy looking _Fight Club_ reject. And now, the four of them hurried toward the front gates of the Duke's manor in order to find "that one girl" as Ashley so eloquently put it. As expected, it was dead quiet outside, and there were dead bodies all over the place. Quistis cringed a bit at the sight of it all, but managed to recompose herself rather quickly. All she had to do was just make through all this, and she was home free with Sydney and whoever was that other sorcerer. 

"Oh, dear," Rosencrantz began, breaking the silence, "It seems that the Blades took quite a substantial loss here."

"Of course," Sydney grinned, "I sent D'tok off to deal with the lot of them! However..." He sniffled, "He didn't make it." He pointed to a huge blackened lizard skeleton. "They killed my little D'tokky-wokky-poo--"

"--Oh, Lord, that thing actually had a name?" Ashley sighed, shaking his head.

"Why wouldn't he? I've had him since he hatched from his little egg. He was so cute, with his little forked tongue and his little wings and--"

"--Stop please."

"Oh, sorry."

Ashley sighed and marched ahead of the group, "You know, Losstarot, if you weren't a man, I'd swear that you were going to grow old and live by yourself with your fifty cats. Oops, I mean wyverns. "

"I hate you," Sydney sneered in reply. Quistis and Rosencrantz glanced at each other and shrugged.

It wasn't long before they reached the gates, which were wide open. Ashley, who was still ahead of everyone else, stopped. He turned and gestured to the others to be quiet, and proceeded cautiously ahead. The rest followed as directed, though Sydney was a bit more reluctant due to Ashley's mocking his widdle D'tokky-poo.

As they followed the bare ass riskbreaker, Rosencrantz turned to Quistis and whispered, "Aren't you a bit...disturbed by the fact that Agent Riot left his partner behind?"

"Just a little," she shrugged, "Though, I can think of a couple times where I was paired up with a partner that I would had left behind." Her face darkened as she thought of when Rinoa got her locked inside of General Caraway's mansion. With Zell and Selphie. All by herself. With those two. It's a wonder that she's still sane. Then she thought about how Squall forced them all to go into space, for Rinoa, who repaid them by releasing Adel. Then she thought about being stuck in Fishermen's Horizon, because Rinoa had got herself injured being a dumb-ass in Galbania. THEN she thought about how Rinoa started that whole mess by leading Seifer on and convincing Headmaster Cid to dispatch their SeeD group out to "help" Rinoa's wannabe terrorist group. And yes, in her head, she said "terrorist". Then Rinoa stole her man! Oh, and cheated on Seifer, but that's a different story. Well, not really, but you get my drift, er Quistis' drift.

"Um, Lady Quistis?" Rosencrantz asked tapping her on the shoulder.

"ARGH! I HATE THAT BITCH!" she screeched in reply. Everyone turned and looked at Quistis, who suddenly realized that she was thinking out loud.

Sydney scratched his head, "We haven't even found her yet, deary."

"Oh, I was thinking of a comrade of mine," Quistis mumbled in reply.

"She hardly sounds like a comrade, if you hate her that much," Rosencrantz shrugged. Ashley and Sydney both nodded in agreement.

"It's more like a 'forced' partnership."

"Is that the partner that you would leave behind?" the pierced man snickered, amused.

"I'd drown her, if given the go ahead. The world would be a better place without her."

Ashley lifted a brow, "That's rather harsh."

"No it's not. Trust me, it's stupid people that cause all the world's problems." Quistis stretched and began walking again.

"Amen to that," Sydney mumbled in reply.

"Besides, aren't we supposed to be looking for your partner?" she added, as she moved ahead of her companions.

"Well, yes," Ashley shrugged, he jogged to catch up with the blonde SeeD. He smiled fondly at her, "I hope she isn't dead." Which was one of the more sensitive things Ashley had ever said about a woman, when he wasn't trying to get in her pants, that is.

The four of them walked out the gates cautiously after that, and toward a underground cellar, as directed by Sydney and Rosencrantz. The blonde priest moved ahead to lead the group through and clanked down the stone stairs. However, he paused halfway.

"What's wrong?" Ashley asked. Sydney turned around and put a metal finger to his lips to shoosh everyone. Then they heard it:

". . .And your father hated your girlfriend! Oh yes, is that why you decided to bed a man later in life?"

"ARGH! QUIT WITH YOUR INSANE DIVELING, WOMAN!"

"The hell?" mumbled Rosencrantz.

Sydney smirked, "We found Hardin. What good fortune!" Ashley and Quistis both frowned at each other and watched the buttcaped mage as he continued down the stairs. The other three followed reluctantly into the wine cellar, and just as Sydney had stated, there was Hardin at the bottom of the stairs, covering his ears and screaming. Behind him stood Callo Merlose.

The inquistor noticed Ashley, "By the gods! Agent Riot, you're alive!" She ran up the stairs and nearly jumped in his arms. The only thing that stopped her was the fact that Quistis was staring HARD at the other woman. But mostly because, she was wondering how the hell Merlose was walking in those steel boots. The whole Ashley thing was secondary. Eeyeah.

"Uh, glad to see that you are safe as well," Ashley mumbled as he and the others finished going down the stairs. Hardin ran up to Sydney and grabbed him by the shoulders.

"Get me away from this madwoman! She reads the hearts of men!" the older priest pointed at Merlose, who blinked stupidly at Hardin's ranting. Sydney shrugged.

"I think she goes with us," he began; the mage then turned his attention to Ashley. "Is this the woman you were speaking of, riskbreaker?"

"Yeah, whatever," Ashley replied.

"Oh, good, that means we can go on into Lea Monde from here," Sydney nodded. "I was starting to get really irritated with all the set backs..."

Rosencrantz butted in, "There's another problem, Sydney." He pointed to a fresh corpse in the corner of the cellar near a barred door. The corpse was of a Crimsom Blade, still wearing all of his armor; he had been clawed to death.

"Oh....shit," Sydney mumbled as he snapped his metal fingers in disappointment.

And Merlose responded as she looked over at the dead soldier wide eyed, "There's bears in there?"

"No," both the buttcaped priest and the pierced riskbreaker mumbled.

Sydney continued, "The Blades have made their way into the city." He sighed heavily and buried his face his palms, "By Iocus, this day just keeps getting better...."

*****

Zell ran like a moron down the street to get as far away from that bar as he could. He was very hungry and wanted a hotdog, but as we all know, there's no hotdogs in Limbergh. That, and he couldn't afford one anyway, even if there were some. He cursed himself as he sprinted, since he has the worst luck. Okay, not really. Compared to his comrades, he was doing pretty damned well. But he didn't know that. But you do. Smile at the dramatic irony of it all and have a beer. 

He turned a corner into an alleyway and stopped to catch his breath. There wasn't an angry mob behind him, but he figured as soon as someone found that other 500 gil bill, he was in trouble. And it didn't help that he was wearing really bright, annoying clothes and had a big ass tattoo on his face, to which he could easily be spotted. He needed another plan. 

"You know....If I could just get back to Kuja's ship, I could start over and maybe do a better job teleporting myself," he thought outloud. He glanced around and peeked around the corner. Still no mob, or bartender, or monkey boy. He sighed with relief and continued down the alleyway. He stopped and decided that going back to the ship was indeed the best thing to do.

However, a little voice in his head said, _"But Zell, Kuja said not to come back unless you had the princess!"_

"Oh, screw that!" Zell yelled back to the voice, "I'm going to get ripped apart if I don't!" He shoved his hand in his shorts pocket until he found the little teleporter doodad and hit the button to send him back. Oh sure, he wasn't going to get laid right away, but it was an emergency.

*****

"Oh, Selphie!~" Kid sang, a wicked grin across her face. The SeeD merc was sitting by herself in Miki's dressing room when Kid had finally found her. "I heard ye were looking for a sorceress."

"Hm?" Selphie lifted her head, both interested that Kid had known that and very frightened that she was being nice. The blonde grinned and sat down next to the other girl. Selphie stared wide eyed at Kid.

"Oh, now don't be acting afraid of me," Kid replied pleasantly, "I just wanna help you with your search." She then extended a hand, "And I think the two of us got off on the wrong foot, yeah? So, friends?"

Selphie stared down at the hand, "Why are you being nice to me all of the sudden?" Kid blinked and then frowned.

"Okay, fine. Nevermind that I 'appen to know that Lynx is keeping a sorceress on his ship--"

"--He is?!" Selphie grabbed Kid by the shoulders. "That's crazy! Norris said that we weren't going to go near Lynx until we found whatshisface!"

"Oh, that's Norris for you... He just doesn't want you to find out how weak he really is," Kid sighed lightly. This was too easy. "He's not even half the leader that Serge is. It's really obvious."

"Even so, how am I going to get to Lynx?" Selphie pulled back, crossed her arms, and sighed. 

"I said I'd help."

"Why should I trust you?" The SeeD lifted a brow, "You hit me in the head with a rock."

"THAT WAS AN ACCIDENT!" Kid stood up and pointed down at Selphie, veins popping out of her neck as she heaved angrily at the other girl. "I'M ALLOWED TO MAKE MISTAKES, AREN'T I?!"

"All you have to say is sorry," Selphie squeaked.

"Oh. Sorry," Kid recomposed herself. "So, now will you work with me?"

"Okay, but how do we get past Norris?"

Kid grinned, "I've taken care of that..." Outside the door, Norris was sprawn out cold. He had been hit in the head with a rock. A big rock.

*****

Irvine, Cid, and Yuffie were all still sitting in the living room of Tifa's place. The others still weren't home, and so the trio sat doing nothing. Isn't it exciting? Finally, from the basement, Vincent emerged, looking very vampire-like. But as all people that paid attention to the game know, he's not really a vampire, but a human with biomechanical body enhancements that prolong his life and youth and allow him to morph into various creatures at will. But I digress. 

"Ah, that was refreshing nap in my coffin," Vincent sighed pleasantly in his very thick Romanian accent that he had for some strange reason. Irvine turned his head and nearly jumped out of his seat at the sight of Vincent. Yuffie giggled and jumped up to hug the ex-Turk.

"It's Vinny!" she sang in a high pitched squeaky voice. So high pitched and squeaky that Irvine and Cid cringed. Vincent did too, but it was hard to tell since he was also wincing in pain from the very tight hug that Yuffie had him locked him.

"Hi....Yuffie...." Vincent gasped as his face turned blue from lack of air. She finally let go of him, and he collasped on the floor. 

Cid lifted a brow and turned to Irvine, "See what I mean?" The cowboy nodded and frowned at the ninja girl who was happily kneeling next to the ailing freak of nature and stroking his really pretty long black hair.

"You must be Vincent," Irvine called over to Vincent and tipped his hat. The ex-Turk nodded weakly and sat up.

"And you are?" Vincent asked as he tried to push Yuffie off of him.

"He's a big dork," Yuffie replied before the redhead could answer. The darkhaired man blinked once and then managed to completely shove the ninja off of him and stood up to shake hands with Irvine.

"Irvine," the cowboy nodded.

"Ah, nice to meet you. Forgive Yuffie, she..."

"Has issues. I know." Vincent smiled and sat down between Cid and Irvine. Yuffie pouted on the floor silently until the there was a knock at the door. 

"I'll get it!" she sang.

Cid turned his head and watched the girl run toward the door. "I hope that's a collection agency here to arrest her." The two other men chuckled. Meanwhile, Yuffie opened the door, and there was a tall man wearing a badly pasted on fake black mustache standing before her. Beneath the baseball hat he wore that had a piece of paper taped to it with "POSTMAN" scrawled on it in magic marker, there were a few silver strands of hair poking out. Yuffie also paid no mind to that fact that the mail doesn't come in the evening, while we're at it.

"Oh! Mail!" she chirped as the mailman handed her a letter then ran off cackling madly. She looked at who it was addressed to and frowned. "Clod? Who the hell is Clod?"

*****

"Okay, listen up," Tseng began to his now fricking huge group of, uh, people, "We're going to break up into two groups--"

"--Well, duh!" Reno sneered, "We were in two groups anyway!"

"Just for that, you're in the group with Seifer, Serge, and Fuujin." Reno blinked and looked over to his new posse. Serge smiled and waved, then nudged Raijin, who was asleep in his seat. Tseng continued, "Elena, Raijin, Rude, and myself will be the group that takes care of Sephiroth. All you guys have to do is find him and trap him."

"......" Serge sighed.

"Serge has a point, you know, that's easier said than done," Raijin yawned as he straightened up in his seat. Reno pouted and crossed his arms. Rude, on the other hand, beamed, since he didn't have to deal with Reno this time around.

"I have faith in Seifer's abilities," Tseng added as he cut his eyes at Reno again.

"......" chuckled Serge.

Seifer sat up looked over at Serge and sniffled, "You're so mean! You didn't have to say that!"

*****

Squall was sitting with his striker group in the lounge outside of the hanger of that bigass Gelber ship that Ramsus commands. I'd go look up the name, but I don't feel like pull out my book and translating right now, so deal with it. They didn't like him much. Okay, actually they were all cool with him, except Vance. But Vance was the loudest, so Squall felt uncomfortable.

"Yeah, you think you're pretty, huh?!" Vance sneered.

"Uh, no," Squall replied.

"Yeah, you think you're bad, huh?!"

Renk slapped Vance upside the head, "Vance, shut up." Everyone nodded in agreement and proceeded to take turns slapping the redhead upside the head until Elly entered the room.

She frowned until she saw that it was Vance getting slapped, then shrugged and smiled. 

"Hey, sorry to break up your fun, guys, but we've got orders now," she announced. Everyone stopped hitting Vance after their superior officer annouced that, except Helmholz who punched Vance one last time before turning his attention to girl. "We get to blow up a reactor in Nortune!"

"WOOHOO!" the all guys cheered, except Squall. But only because he didn't know where Nortune was. Oh, wait, who am I kidding? He didn't cheer because he's _Squall_.

"So, are you going to be our squad leader?" Squall asked quietly as he leaned back into his seat. The girl shook her head and sat down next to him.

"Nope, Captain Yizkor's heading everything," Elly smiled.

"Dominia...." sighed Helmholz dreamily. Broyer and Stratski exchanged disgusted looks after their comrade said that. Elly turned and blinked at the violet haired boy then as Squall shrugged.

"Whatever," the SeeD merc replied.

*****

Norris woke up in the dressing room on Nikki's boat. He sat up and rubbed the back of his head, which was still throbbing from where Kid had hit him. Then he noticed that Leena was sitting next to him, knitting. 

"How long was I out?" he asked, his hand moving to the back his neck. 

The redhead shrugged, "Oh, about half a day..." 

"That long?" he sighed and laid back down. "I'm guessing that Kid took off with Selphie, right?" 

"Um hm," Leena replied, keeping her eyes on her yarn. 

"Okay, now what did I do?" 

"Nothing. I don't have to talk to you. You're not a replacement for Serge, remember?" Norris rolled his eyes and sat back up. 

"Okay, I get your drift, and I'm sorry," he mumbled. "Have the guys made any attempt to find Selphie?" 

"Where do you think everyone is?" Leena put down her knitting. "You know, I'm the only one that even wanted to stay with you, you know, just in case you started bleeding from your ears--" 

"--Stop it, you're not helping." Norris sighed, "I can't believe that Kid would do that!" 

"I can," Leena shrugged. "And I told Serge from day one that she was trouble. But no! No one ever listens to me, the little homemaker! Sure, just because Kid wears short shorts, she's can't be all bad! Oh no! I'm bad because I wear a skirt that covers my ankles. . ." 

Norris rolled his eyes, plopped back down, and covered his head with a pillow as Leena continued to bitch. 

*****

"We're back~!" Aerith and Rinoa sang as they entered Tifa's apartment. Irvine and Vincent both looked up from playing cards and shrugged; Yuffie twitched, asleep on the floor. Cid had went back upstairs earlier.

"How was the play?" the cowboy asked, tipping his hat the girls. At that moment, Cloud also walked in, holding a program. 

"It gets better every time I see it," Aerith swooned. 

Rinoa nodded, "You should had went, Irvy! It was awesome! When we see Squall again, we have to make him see this play!" Irvine faked a grin and turned his attention back to Vincent, rolling his eyes. The vampire snickered and the two went back to playing cards. "So, is everything alright? Sephiroth didn't pop up or anything did he?" 

Both of the seated men shook their heads. 

Vincent laid down a card, "Nothing happened, except some letter came for Cloud." 

Cloud blinked, "That's odd. I didn't think anyone knew I lived here. Or that the mail was delivered at night..." He sat down on the couch next to Irvine. "Where is it?" 

"On the table," the redhead replied as he placed a card on top of Vincent's. 

The ex-SOLDIER turned his head toward Aerith, "Hey, could you bring it over here for me?" 

"Why me?" the flower girl asked. 

"Because, it would be rude to ask Granola to do it." 

"Rinoa!" both girls cried. 

"Whatever." Aerith sighed and stomped over to the table and grabbed the letter. She glanced down at it and snickered at the "TO CLOD" scrawled across the front then flicked the envelope at the blonde. 

"There," she snorted as she flipped her hair and turned to march toward Rinoa. 

"Thank you, Aerith," Cloud sang. "You know, that's why you're my favorite." 

The flower girl paused and slowly turned around, "Really?" Cloud just smiled sweetly at her and proceeded to open the letter. Irvine chuckled at the obvious attempt at flirting and went back to his game. 

"AAAAAAAAAAAH!!!" Cloud suddenly screamed and jumped up, dropping the letter to the ground. Everyone in the room became silent and turned their attention to the now panicking mercenary as he jumped on the couch as far away from the little piece of paper on the floor that he could get. 

Irvine became wide eyed at the blonde then looked at the piece paper. It read: "MR. BUNNY-BUN IS GOING TO GET YOU". The cowboy then looked back up at Cloud, who was now sitting on the couch, his legs drawn to his chest rocking back and forth, babbling and crying. 

"He's gonna get me, he's gonna get me, he's gonna get me, he's gonna get me. . ." the blonde sobbed repeatedly.

Irvine blinked. 


End file.
